My website is not the proper place for this rant, but I know of no other place to put it. And it is my blog and I can put whatever I want in it.
Every time I hear of a gay teenager or any teenager committing suicide part of me just wants to break down and I have to literally fight back the tears. It’s that part of me that has felt their pain and walked in their footsteps. It is the part of me that understands the anguish and pain they are going though. Whenever I hear of a teen committing suicide all of that pain and anguish along with the helplessness and hopelessness I buried deep in the recesses of my sole when I was their age explodes into my head in the form of flashbacks and memories. I have been in their shoes. I was that teenager. I was that gay teenager. I understand all too well what they are going through.
I know what it is like to be teased, tormented, and bullied incessantly when all you want so desperately is to be accepted, or even just left alone. You just want to belong but you can’t belong because others will not let you. You reach a breaking point where you just can’t take it anymore and you just want it to stop. I know all to well what it is like to be singled out and at the same time alone, shunned, and isolated in a crowd. I know what it is like when they won’t let up. Been there, done that. When you are ‘that kid’ or ‘that gay kid’ life can be unbearable. My teen years were the worst years of my life.
I don’t pray very often, but when I hear of a young man or woman killing themselves I pray. I ask God to let me or someone, have a chance to reach out to those teenagers before it is too late. Let someone who has felt their pain and survived that awful period in their life connect with them, and be their anchor so they don’t let go of this precious gift called life. I ask God to please give them the strength to reach down deep inside their souls and find it within themselves to continue on.
I want to say to those gay teenagers, that you are so not alone. So many others have gone before you. So many others have felt your pain. Learn to live and plan for the future, and just get through today. I don’t have the answers, but I do know there is no such thing as coincidence. Everything happens for a reason, even the torment and the pain you are feeling. You may not like what is happening but it is happening for a reason so step out of the moment, take a deep breath, and pay attention. What you learn will serve you well later on in life. What you don’t let kill you, will make you stronger, including yourself.
I want to say to those gay teenagers that you are not an abomination. You are very, very special. You did not choose this for yourself. Rather you were chosen to walk a very special path. To take your life, is to deny the universe your destiny and your purpose.
I want to say to those gay teenagers that though none of us get out of here alive, we all have a purpose, especially those tormented by others. Tormentors on some level, usually beyond their feeble comprehension, sense that you are different. On some level they don’t even understand, they know you are special. It is the tragedy of humanity that we fear what we do not understand or cannot comprehend. To take your own life means they win. Don’t give the bastards and bitches the satisfaction.
Thanks to Facebook I know what happened to most all my tormentors. At 51 years of age I have already outlived half of them. Success is truly the best revenge.
For every Tormentor that reads this, shame on you
I lived through it from 4th grade through high school. Worst years of my life. It was every day until summer vacation and there was no escape from it. Your self esteem diminishes to zero. Through all my years in school, I had no friends. I know people say “well, you had to have had at least one”. No, there wasnt even 1. My teenage years I thought about ending it all, because that would be the only way to make it stop. The teacher turned a blind eye to it. It happened on the bus so bad the bus driver once one time before his run in the afternoon spoke to the kids about it, because he was tired of watching it go on. I went to catholic high, and it was no different there. I had counsling for 4 years every week starting in the 9th grade till i graduated. If it wasnt for her I would be dead now. It amazes me how kids find doing this funny. To torment someone because they are different and dont want to be like everyone else. I was mentally fried from it well after high school was over with. I didnt know how to act around people. (I still dont and im 43 now). This is horrible to say but I undertstand why columbine high school and other school shootings have happened. What drove them to it. How mentally you can be so far gone and want to hurt people who hurt you, and give them a dose of it. I hear about kids killing themselves over bullying. I know how they felt, I was there once. Im surprised i never did it. But if some kid ever read this, I would tell them don’t. Its not worth it. Life gets better and Im living proof of it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I saw it . The whole experience made me a stronger person today. i know what its like to be teased, spit at, called every name in the book, pushed around, abused mentally, and cry everyday because you just want it to stop, and dread going to school everyday. Life gets better, it did for me. Almost 25 years have passed since high school. I want to run into someone from my past who hurt me, because i want to see them try it now. If I was as bold and courageous as I am now..they wouldnt dare try it. Yes, i am a gay man, and living the life, and happy with it. Come call me a faggot now. See what happens.
Wow. A deep and touching blog. I can’t say I am in my teenage years anymore being 28, but I know what it’s like to be the “strange kid” who nobody seemed to understand. My advice is to keep praying because you never know how far that goes and keep blogging because these things do touch people’s lives.
this is quite possibly the best thing i’ve read all year 🙂 while i dont have the suicidal thoughts that you mentioned, i do live in constant fear as a 100\% closeted person. it’s what you mentioned that makes it so difficult to make that leap… but i know that my time will come. better late (hopefully) than never. also, i love seeing the tender side of you merry christmas daddyken! i wish you and your cub the best of the holidays!